You’ve lied to me since the moment we met.
I was so young I can’t remember not having you in my life.
You taught me Who God was, what people are, what we do, and
why.
Well, not the last part.
I guess you meant well at the beginning.
Who would have thought that the desire for truth would
result in all these lies?
The pendulum tries to bring things back to balance,
But you kept going, propelled by your own momentum, and not
that of Another.
You taught me intolerance and fear.
You taught me to be quick to judge and slow to love.
You taught me that to be angry is to be normal.
You taught me to hide.
You degraded my spirit. You trampled my feelings.
You laughed at my tears. You turned away from my despair.
You told me that God is all-loving, yet you did not love.
You beat my soul into submission and stood careful watch
over me, lest I raise my trembling body and see you for what you really are:
A Fake.
You who claim to be perfect, yes, you are a sinner.
You who claim to love, yes, you separate to the third
generation.
You who claim to know God, yes, you preach guilt and
despair.
You who claim to help people, yes, you drive us to the dust
with your burdensome lies.
I wish to hate you.
I want to hurl curses at you.
I want to, and I have before.
But not anymore.
I have left you, now. I am where God wants me, and I am
happy.
Here, God has lifted my soul out of fear and despair.
He has held me by my right hand and told me He loves me.
He has looked into my downcast, tear-drenched eyes, lifted
my chin with His gentle hand, and whispered, “I love you.”
How can I express the tenderness and gentleness with which
He is healing me from your abuses?
God knows my hurts, and He hurts with me. He knows my rage,
and He listens to me until I run out of wrath and am left whimpering.
Then He lifts me with His strong compassionate arms and
says, “I forgive you.”
No matter how many times I fall, He picks me up.
God never leaves me, and will never forsake me.
How different the way He treats me from the way you treat
me!
That is why I have left you.
You kick me and say that is what God does.
You break my bones, spit on me, and say God has judged me.
You know neither mercy nor truth, but you say you do.
I used to hate you. I still do, sometimes.
But God forgives these relapses into bitterness.
You--you forgive nothing.
And so I am leaving you.
One more summer I will spend around you.
Hopefully it will be our last for some time.
There are some things I need to learn about you.
And there are those crying out to be freed from your lies.
I will hear them. I will answer them.
What do I need to learn about you?
That you are not pure evil, only twisted goodness.
Is the this not the work of Satan?
But you are blind to your faults. So am I. So are we all,
without God’s grace.
Yes, “grace”—that word which is a familiar sound in your
ears but is unknown territory in your heart. I hope you learn what it means.
God longs to teach you of its beauty and power. He wants to
fill you with the knowledge of this truth, this life-giving truth.
Why doesn’t He? I don’t know. Perhaps because to experience
it, you must let go of control.
Now He gives us it every day, whether we experience it or
not.
But how much He wants to fill us with it!
How often He would have filled your cup overflowing with
grace, and you would not!
To the struggling ones:
He knows you’re trying. He knows you’re doing your best.
He doesn’t hate you when you fall! He LOVES you!!
Please, please open your heart and ask Him to show you His
love and grace.
I can almost guarantee you don’t really believe His
unconditional love for you.
You haven’t been allowed to believe it!
But it’s there.
And when you are ready, He’ll start you on your journey to
learn His love--if you’ll let Him.
So, Fundamentalism, I know you’re not evil.
You do evil things.
You are a perversion of the truth.
You do not know what grace is.
But you’re trying. All I can do is ask God to have mercy on
you.
I will be studying you this summer, my foe.
I will see your inconsistencies and lies.
And I will tell those under me to think and to compare what
they hear with God’s Word--His whole Word, not just a single verse.
I know I will fall. I will royally screw up.
And God will pick me back up and say, “Come on. Start
again, My beloved child.”
I will no longer listen to you, but I will study you.
And then, if it is God’s will, as I feel and do hope it is,
I will say farewell.
Forever.
“It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever
done;
It is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever
known.”
Kate
